yesterday was bad. i found out that yet another friend has chosen to be atheist. this one floored me more than all the rest. not because i will worry about him...i won't. no it is more than that. he has seen things and done things that should convince him there is more than just science and logic in this world. we cleared a house of a trapped entity and freed trapped souls in the process. does he now think that was all just some game or illusion?? something we made up?? or was it all a lie from the beginning?? lets play along and pretend to believe? only i didn't call him about the troubles in that damn house...he called me asking for help and i gave it. he was also one of the people across the country who helped protect a mutual friends' children when the family was living on evil land. how can you experience something like that a just turn away as if none of it is real?
so...i passed melancholy and went to anger and sorrow yesterday. it would be hard now to say which emotion was the stronger of the two. i "feel" like my entire friendship with this guy has been based on lies. then at my lowest point in the day i found myself crying in anger and frustration. i screamed at my gods..any god. ARE THEY RIGHT???? DO YOU EXIST OR AM I JUST CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL??? then i took a deep breath....had lunch and read a book for the rest of the day. there was no sudden relief or peace or burning bushes. the gods didn't appear or talk to me....
until today....when another friend posted this on facebook....
Believes that prayer changed the way I think. This is evident by the affirmation of positive beliefs and my current rejection of limitations. It continually elevates my consciousness, making me confident and purposeful. So, why shouldn’t I do this. What does prayer do for you?
i am in a melancholy state of mind. it's not exactly sad, but it's close. i have a friend i have known for a long time. when i moved away from corpus christi i lost touch with most of that crowd, including this friend. when i got on facebook one of the really cool things was to re-connect with the corpus crowd. people i hadn't talked to in years. the friend in question had become an athiest since last i saw them. to see the world in only scientific terms is beyond my comprehension. the world is a magical, mystical place to me and i wouldn't have it any other way. i have friends of all faiths and to my surprise i have a lot of athiest freinds as well. i'm not sure why that surprises me so much...it shouldn't i guess. it's not like i run in a fanatically religious crowd. i am a witch...so religious fanatics and me don't really mix. i have lost some friends over the years who couldn't stop trying to "save" me. but to see the world with no supernatural possible is not possible for me. i can understand not wanting to be part of a specific religion...i get that...but to believe in nothing. to see only logic and science.....to me that's sad.
the majority of my friends are also in recovery...as am i. i recently celebrated 18 years clean. unfortunately my friend who decided he didn't need a god of any kind also decided he didn't need recovery. he has also decided that it's ok to drink and smoke pot. he declares that ocassionally drinking and smoking dope is not going to ruin his life. hhmm...if that is true then why has he been someone i've known since i first got clean 18 years ago. seems like a long time to figure out you don't need something....seems like a long investment in a program that he now claims is full of shit.
this is not my best writing effort. it feels disjointed and jumbled and maybe later i'll delete the whole thing. but right now i am melancholy...bordering on sad. i hope my friend stops at only alcohol and pot. i hope my first trip home to corpus in years is not for a funeral. i am praying for him and if he doesn't like it he can kiss my royal irishwitch ass.
