past melancholy (prayer)

   yesterday was bad. i found out that yet another friend has chosen to be atheist. this one floored me more than all the rest. not because i will worry about him...i won't. no it is more than that. he has seen things and done things that should convince him there is more than just science and logic in this world. we cleared a house of a trapped entity and freed trapped souls in the process. does he now think that was all just some game or illusion?? something we made up?? or was it all a lie from the beginning?? lets play along and pretend to believe? only i didn't call him about the troubles in that damn house...he called me asking for help and i gave it. he was also one of the people across the country who helped protect a mutual friends' children when the family was living on evil land. how can you experience something like that a just turn away as if none of it is real?
   so...i passed melancholy and went to anger and sorrow yesterday. it would be hard now to say which emotion was the stronger of the two. i "feel" like my entire friendship with this guy has been based on lies. then at my lowest point in the day i found myself crying in anger and frustration. i screamed at my gods..any god. ARE THEY RIGHT???? DO YOU EXIST OR AM I JUST CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL??? then i took a deep breath....had lunch and read a book for the rest of the day. there was no sudden relief or peace or burning bushes. the gods didn't appear or talk to me....
    until today....when another friend posted this on facebook....
  

Believes that prayer changed the way I think. This is evident by the affirmation of positive beliefs and my current rejection of limitations. It continually elevates my consciousness, making me confident and purposeful. So, why shouldn’t I do this. What does prayer do for you?

   that about sums it up. i thanked this much more casual friend for his timely post and let him know it was pretty much the answer to a prayer. then i started my day over with prayer. i am very grateful to have the kind of relationship with my Gods that allows me to doubt and scream. the doubt is something that took me by surprise and i strongly suspect it was more doubt in self than in God or Goddess. i am over the seeming epidemic of friends who choose atheism. it makes me sad, but as we say in recovery...better them than me.

  
  

a melancholy state of mind

   i am in a melancholy state of mind. it's not exactly sad, but it's close.  i have a friend i have known for a long time. when i moved away from corpus christi i lost touch with most of that crowd, including this friend. when i got on facebook one of the really cool things was to re-connect with the corpus crowd. people i hadn't talked to in years. the friend in question had become an athiest since last i saw them. to see the world in only scientific terms is beyond my comprehension. the world is a magical, mystical place to me and i wouldn't have it any other way. i have friends of all faiths and to my surprise i have a lot of athiest freinds as well. i'm not sure why that surprises me so much...it shouldn't i guess. it's not like i run in a fanatically religious crowd. i am a witch...so religious fanatics and me don't really mix. i have lost some friends over the years who couldn't stop trying to "save" me. but to see the world with no supernatural possible is not possible for me. i can understand not wanting to be part of a specific religion...i get that...but to believe in nothing. to see only logic and science.....to me that's sad.
    the majority of my friends are also in recovery...as am i. i recently celebrated 18 years clean. unfortunately my friend who decided he didn't need a god of any kind also decided he didn't need recovery. he has also decided that it's ok to drink and smoke pot. he declares that ocassionally drinking and smoking dope is not going to ruin his life. hhmm...if that is true then why has he been someone i've known since i first got clean 18 years ago. seems like a long time to figure out you don't need something....seems like a long investment in a program that he now claims is full of shit.
   this is not my best writing effort. it feels disjointed and jumbled and maybe later i'll delete the whole thing. but right now i am melancholy...bordering on sad. i hope my friend stops at only alcohol and pot. i hope my first trip home to corpus in years is not for a funeral. i am praying for him and if he doesn't like it he can kiss my royal irishwitch ass.

blowin' in the wind...

how many roads must a man walk down....
too damn many it would seem.
how many times must the canon balls fly...
we have guided missiles now.
every day there are new and improved ways to torture, maim, murder, mutilate, cripple....not just people but the earth itself.
how long can we treat the planet we live on as though we have someplace else to go?

every generation thinks they have seen the worst of times & that surely the end is near. armageddon, apocalypse, the end of days. all of the major religions have different predictions as to how this will occur. each seems to hold the belief most dearly that "they" are the chosen ones....the ones who will survive, ascend, live in peace & harmony while all others (non-believers) suffer & perish. then there is my personal favorite....which christian church is right & which is doomed?

seriously people?? creator of everything according to all the different religions this crazy planet holds is that small? so small it can be named & labelled  by humans? such a fragile little ego that it matters if we get the label right? only ones who have free will in such matters apparently. us??? please.....no. we are not ready for that much responsibility.
of course this all presupposes that we are alone in the universe. something i very much doubt. go to the desert or out into the middle of the ocean at night. count the stars.....go on...i'll wait.....
couldn't do it could you? duh. now do the really impossible. comprehend infinity. dare ya.
now science is even trying to say it all had a beginning & will someday have an end. the big bang theory says the universe is expanding & that eventually all the stars will die. so far apart that all will be dark.
really?? infinity?? no beginning...no end. dumbasses. the universe isn't exploding or expanding forever. ever occur to any of the so-called genious types that it might just be breathing?? expanding....contracting...expanding...contracting. there will, of course, be somebody who tells me i am wrong & that all the scientists must be right. really?? prove it.

prove it...prove it...prove it!

that is my new motto for it all.

the end is near.....prove it.
your religion is right....prove it.
the rest of the world's religions are wrong....prove it.
the universe is dying....prove it.
the universe was born....prove it.
there is only one god....prove it.
there is only one truth....prove it.

believe me when i say to you that there is not much i will accept as proof.
many religions believe faith proves them right....faith cannot prove faith.
books, religious or otherwise, are written by humans. frankly i don't think this species has proven itself all that damn trustworthy. i have often thought an invasion by aliens might do us some good. maybe...just maybe...we might stop drawing imaginary lines all over the planet & calling them borders. but then again....
there are aliens out there....prove it.
life originated on this planet....prove it. (maybe we are the aliens)

the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind.....
that, of course presupposes the wind is real....& that there is an answer.....
couldn't prove it by me.

life is temporary

Life is temporary….relax

Try not to take it too seriously

Slow down

See the world around you

Enjoy every moment

Be kind & forgiving to others

Be kind & forgiving to yourself

Tell the people you love that you love them

Laugh often even when there is nothing to laugh about

Forgive even when it’s their fault

Forgive even when it’s your fault

Anger hurts everyone

If today were your last day on earth,

Would you be satisfied with how it went?

Learn from mistakes, it’s why they happen

Remember, in Gods eyes you are beautiful

Learn to see the beauty in all things

Slow Down

This too Shall Pass

Life is Temporary

rainy day

it has been raining in Houston since sometime in the middle of last night.
i like the rain...the sound of it hitting the patio...the laziness it brings to the day....even the melancholy of it.        
lately my dreams have been of people from my past...long past some of them. i have dreamed of mom & dad & even the dog i grew up with, all long since dead & gone. not disturbing dreams, for the most part, just strange. i have begun the process of trying to track down my dad's military records. he was such a quiet, private man. i have only lately started to realize i barely knew him. i wonder if he was always that way or service in WW2 made him that way. what little i know about his army days comes from his mother...he neither denied or confirmed anything she said, but then he never did. how strange it seems to me now as i try to fill out the government paperwork to know so little about my dad's life. he seemed a weak man to me, but then most people seemed weak in comparison to my mom. did they love each other at some time? surely they must have or why marry at all. his mother certainly did everything she could to prevent it & to end it...even after i was born. my mother, it seems, was not the woman "she" had picked out for "her" son to marry. beneath his station i suppose or maybe it was the fact that mom was a divorcee. they frowned on that sort of thing back then. i suspect it was more that mom was not from "money" and lacked an education. what i remember most from those early days of my life is how hurt my mom was when "she" would call for "her son" without so much as speaking to mom or me. i wonder now if she ever got a wrong number...imagine it. **ring** (voice) "hello"....(her)"may i speak to my son."....(voice) "uh...i don't know lady...who the hell are you?? and who's your son??" she also use to pull up in front of our house and honk for daddy to come out. when he died...she didn't call me...i found out a week later. to say i had a weird family is an understatement of epic proportions. the fact my mother always treated her with respect speaks volumes about my mom's character. mom always taught me to respect my elders & she did it too.
there was a family legend about mom's lack of tolerance, however, for some things. uncle Bill married a damn yankee...i kid you not...that's what the entire family called her. even my mom's mother who never cussed called uncle bill's wife.."that damn yankee"... i am sure i must have known that poor woman's real name at some point. at any rate....that damn yankee my uncle bill married said something disparaging about my brother one day to mom. it took 4 men to pull my momma off her....mom was beating her head into the sidewalk at the time. i don't remember what she said about ray, but it was probably true.
my half brother ray...hhmmm..great guy, entertaining, charming, thief, con-artist, junky, ex-con (or just con), interesting to say the least. mom's first child & older than me by 16 years. he never lived with us, except when he would blow through town between trips to prison. i loved him. i haven't seen him since 1981 & have no idea if he is still alive.
i guess that's the real thing about rainy days...they make you think of things long forgotten. of places you've been & lives you've lived & the people you have known. some people spend all their lives in one place...i cannot imagine that.
 i like the rain...the sound of it hitting the patio...the laziness it brings to the day....even the melancholy of it.

random thoughts for today

i was just reading brandon's blog & he is doing 30 letters in 30 days. an interesting exercise i thought when i found out about it. so, being a friend of his i began to read his letters....the one to  his dad reduced me to tears. today i thought i would take a moment and catch up with his blog project...and found a letter to me. uh...color me surprised....and touched beyond words. it shows me that we, as humans, touch each others lives even more than we think we do. i knew it was hard on brandon and other friends who came to the hospital after my stroke to see me like that...it was hard to be seen like that. i am SO not the helpless type. in his blog brandon mentions that he knew i was in good hands with bruce. i think few of our friends truly understand the power that is bruce. he is difficult for some to understand as he has little patience with those who can't keep up. in fact, bruce has little patience with most of the world...lol. i think until i got so sick, even i didn't quite get what bruce is capable of. i knew he helped people, but i had no idea how much...or how many. he is truly anonymous about how many he helps. he slips brand new crisp $100 bills into the hands of those he considers truly needy. i have known bruce over 10 years & for many of those years i was his sponsor, but i never knew he did that until one night after a meeting he slipped it into my hand. this was after my heart attack in '04 & he has been quietly helping me ever since. he also takes care of his aging mother & in the midst of his own health problems eased his father's passing from this world. he seems so scattered to people who do not take the time & trouble to know him better...their loss. of all our mutual friends i worry about bruce the most....i think my most common comment to bruce over the years has been..."slow down....bruce,bruce....hey bruce...you have GOT to slow down before you burn yourself out." has he listened?? not much...he says that thanks to me he has slowed way down from how he use to be...uh...huh? if that is true then he must have been moving so fast the rest of us mere mortals couldn't even see him before. i truly pray for bruce that the pace he keeps will not harm his health....the world needs more people like bruce, but i am afraid he is one of a kind.

some starting thoughts

some starting thoughts on blogging. i haven't blogged in a long time. in fact, i haven't blogged since my space faded from popularity. facebook is ok for staying in touch, but the limit on  how long the status up-dates can be are irritating and i realize i have missed blogging. thanks to my friend brandon leading me here i will attempt to get back in the hang of it. like brandon.....i love to write. it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not. so, most of the thoughts on here will be my opinion only and i warn all readers in advance i am a person of strong opinions. my feelings are my own and they are valid whether anyone else agrees with them or not. please feel free to comment, but these are only my opinions and feelings...not yours...nor would i force my thoughts on someone else. in that same vein...i will not debate my thoughts....or defend them to others.